November 15 #2
November 15 #2
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it seems like it'd be good to introduce the crime _before_ the story really happens, this will be a bit of a hook and make the rest of the story flow with fewer question marks
stephencweiss
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I like this. Two general notes that might be fun to think about:
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Many of your descriptions are focused on sight. Mine are too, I think. My friend Isabel gave me the suggestion to try to add in the other senses when. I also remembered a cool exercise related to descriptions that I did in high school and found an example online. I'm gonna try this too - check it out: http://palcwriting12.blogspot.com/2008/11/100-word-place-description-with-no.html
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I think you're using the third brother as the narrator, right? Not at all trying to talk you out of that - it's cool. I don't think I've read many things that used a third person narrator from the perspective of one of the characters. Are you going to need other narrators for scenes where the third brother isn't present? Will there be any of those?
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| # Chapter 1 | ||
| Amy must have heard the tires spinning on the loose gravel because when he looked up she was standing in the doorway. Under different circumstances she would have smiled. Meanwhile, his failure to suppress a smile despite the circumstances only served as further evidence that she'd always been the most disciplined sibling. He couldn't help it. Hers was the first friendly face he'd seen in weeks. His shoulders, which he hadn't noticed he'd been clenching, relaxed at the sight of her. He dropped the duffel on the threshold and pulled her close, enveloping her slight frame in his massive arms, "How you doing, kid?" |
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The section "He couldn't help it ... 'How you doing, kid?'" is reading with romantic overtones to me. It's certain phrases, all used together, maybe? e.g. "at the sign of her," "pulled her close," "enveloping her slight frame," and "his massive arms."
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| The house looked just like John remembered it, though perhaps a little more worn. The tire he and Patrick had hung from the branch of the maple when they were kids, when they were still best friends, was swinging gently in the breeze. How long had it been since he'd been home - or spoken to Patrick for that matter? Ten years at least. Probably more. | ||
| She'd refused to let herself relax since she first called the police to report that their father was missing. In her brother's arms, however, her body no longer seemed to listen and she let out a small sigh, "It's so good to see you J.J. Thank you for coming." |
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Yeah, here too: the involuntary response of her body and the "small sigh". Is this all me?
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| Her body responded reflexively by sagging. Safe and secure in her big brother's arms, it rebelled by relaxing, something she'd not allowed herself since she'd first called the police to report their father was missing. | ||
| It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light - or lack there of. No one had bothered to turn any lights on in the living room, so the only light was the little that managed to sneak past the tightly drawn curtains. His hand instinctively reached for the switch on the wall, but no lights came on. |
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I think "thereof" is a single word
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| "Huh, strange. I know dad's always been mostly useless around the house, but to let all of the lights burn out and not change them feels... well, it feels unusual. The dust on the other hand - that's no surprise." Every horizontal surface was caked with dust. That's how it'd been ever since mom had passed - or would have been had it not been for Patrick, Amy, and him. Patrick had moved to New York years ago, and he hadn't stepped foot in the house for even longer, so taking care of dad had fallen on Amy - not that she didn't have plenty on her plate as it is. | ||
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| "Yeah, he's been even more _himself_ of late. Working all the time. It's been all I can do to get him to come over for Sunday dinner with me and Beau." Dad had always been a workaholic. Growing up he'd stay at the lab until well after the family had sat down for dinner. When he did finally get home, he'd head straight to his study, where he'd pour himself a whisky and light a cigar to bury himself in more work, but only after closing the big oak door. |
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Does the insertion of the exposition/character development in this paragraph feel a little bit forced or out of place somehow? I like the specificity of the details.
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| "Ha - I'm not the one who swore I'd never step foot in this house again!" | ||
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| "Guys! Now's not the time to get into a pissing match about something that happened over a decade ago! You can duke it out after we find dad. Until then, try to act like the grown men you are. For me. For dad." |
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What flavor is Amy feeling about the boys' argument here? Angry? Annoyed? Impatient? Exasperated? Hurt? Tired?
~500 more words.
Mostly got through another part of the first plot point -- but need to actually have Amy tell the brothers what she knows (so that the reader can know).
So far I've adopted JJ as my narrator (kind of). He's only gotten pronouns so far while the voice can refer to the siblings. Not sure that this is the best approach.